Caring For The Uncaring

It’s been two years of Jennifer being sick. Two years of journal entries about being sad that Jen is sick or something cancelled or caused from her being sick… I’m sick of her being sick and so wish I could do something to help her. I fear she’s making herself sicker. There may be an underlaying illness, but dozens of doctors haven’t found it. Besides not exercising, she smokes, eats poorly, doesn’t take nutritional supplements, nor drink water regularly.

Jen has been the love of my life and an absolutely amazing life force I enjoy experiencing the world with. I used to at least. We do come from totally different socioeconomic and educational backgrounds, however a huge commonality has been a shared love of the universe and it’s creatures. Every day was an adventure – Our first year was awesome – I loved every moment with her, any moment. I remember her smiling once last week, it feels good – she used to laugh and smile constantly!

I’m about to head to lunch with an awesome friend of mine who got cancer. Twice. Then had a stroke. He’s a walking miracle, despite doctor’s best scenarios. He’s smiling and talking about how lucky he is and the world is better with him in it.

I have to mention that as I’m smiling, before I share more.

Jen has a mysterious illness that doctor’s can’t even discover. Perhaps there’s a better specialist, as multiple weekly doctor visits haven’t uncovered anything wrong with her. She’ll clench her chest tightly, wheezing and crying and unable to barely breathe. I’ll cry too, it hurts me that she’s in so much misery. She’ll retrieve her asthma inhaler from her car, returning with not so lovely scent of Marlboro. I’ve brought up the smoking, it results in an unattractive display of emotion. Outside of lung problems, she has many gastrointestinal issues. I suspect, as do her doctors, that water consumption is a wonderful complement to experiencing better health.

I love Jennifer’s smile and laughter. I miss them both.

I meet with nurtitionist and herbalist and continuously tweak my supplementation program. I’ve purchased nutritional supplements and herbs to help Jen, but she stopped taking them, complaining she hated pills. I then got her a New Chapter Organics vitamin that mixes into water like the drink mixes she enjoys. I bought her a gym membership and she went 3x in one year; said it didn’t motivate her.

She’s almost always in pain complaining, often yelling and crying. This is very opposite of how I am and what I believe in. The other day she yelled at me for not yelling, I don’t like her yelling, and it’s not something I’ll do. Why would she want this? That itself also seems very unhealthy. I’m extremely uncomfortable. I wish I could help her somehow. Her illness feels like my full time job. What can I do? If I focus on my business or friends or anything, I’m a bad guy. This relationship hasn’t felt healthy for a long time. I want to help her get better, but she’s not helping herself and I’m at a frustratingly weird place – I love her and want to help her, but her self-sabotaging behaviors seriously conflict with my life goals. I’m unclear on how to help her.

Writing this makes me cry less and shake my head more. I’m sad she’s she’s making herself sick, or minimum, making it worse. There may be underlaying illnesses that dozens of doctors haven’t found. I hope she helps herself decide to value health.

3/21 Update: I’m looking here, realizing I was at the end of this rope a month ago. Things got progressively worse. Jen felt good the past 2 Saturday nights we were together, I prepared nice meals which she skipped out on to attend late night parties with new friends and I wasn’t even invited! The past several days she’s not only acted miserable, but also violent. This disrespect, following two years of caring for and cleaning up after her? I’ve been played and likely have been a long time.

Share on Facebook

Bookmark It

Hide Sites