Why Can’t I Eat Sweet and Sour Chicken That’s Real Awesome!?
I love this particular meal but today I kept trying to eat some then just spit it out – I know it’s not this awesome food as everything tastes like shit lately and I always feel like I’m going to fucking throw up. My health has been on a downward fucking spiral that increases with ongoing disrespect and drugs prescribed for circumstances not for causes. I was able to be within healthy blood pressure ranges before April 26th (DESPITE many ongoing weird attacks) when I received a call from HR which triggered some fucked up wiring in my brain or something *(again – my response – don’t fucking sue me for talking about myself trying to fucking figure my fucking broken fucking head out, okay?) and I’ve been saying fuck a lot and filled with rage. When Linda freaked the fuck out of my mother with a false pretense (I call this pretexting, but that’s a word from my IT security and hacking days) – she created FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt) while my mother was out of town, caring for a relative going into surgery. The timing scared everyone. From this and the drugs prescribed for the resulting blood pressure, and resulting paranoia from the lack of sleep and “OMFG if a human resources manager from work is harassing my mother while she’s caring for a relative having surgery what else will HP do to hurt me!?” Even weirder – WHY!? When I love HP and sold 50 million last year. I love working for HP!
I know how paranoid and scared it sounds when I write this but following inappropriate communications by Linda McGraw I began experiencing visual disturbances, tics and seizures, and growing communications confusion *(again – I don’t name people for slander or liability – I document to protect myself and as my memory hasn’t been as awesomely eidetic since the head injury at work back at the end of March – while using email) as well as because I’m exhausted from explaining my fucking story to every fucking doctor when trying just to get a fucking second opinion so please don’t fuck with me more, we’ve had enough and I deserve the chance to care for myself and my family to be safe!
I deserve to care for myself and my family to be safe!
I’m scared. Even now I’m “back at work”, according to Sedgwick’s voicemail.
I miss the fucking outside. I wish I quit. Anyone who is happy that I feel like shit – that’s OK – at least I’m alive – I have a chance – I have a chance to take charge of my life – this is my journey – I only mentioned that hindsight part as I do fear somewhat that when I share my pain that some people may feel pleasure, however sharing and being open and honest about my feelings without a doubt helps me heal.
I’ve been so fucking sick since doctor changed my medications and food always tastes like fucking shit. And I say fuck and cunt a lot more than I’d fucking like to. I fucking hate this fucking shit. I love this restaurant and this food is so comforting every time – what the fuck is going on inside me? I wish I could take a few days to unwind and not have to fucking check emails or use motherfucking bullshit fucking telephones for a few fucking days to chill the fucking fuck out I’ve been begging for this fucking right for fucking months and normally I’m not a fucking pushover.
I fucking regret so much listening to coworker friends* advising on FMLA (MY decision, this isn’t on them; my blogs are always about my internal understanding) as FMLA must stand for FUCK MY LIFE AWKWARDLY. I don’t yet know what I learned from this mistake and I feel fucking scared for my life and confused as to what the fuck is going on with my job and why my doctor isn’t “believing” the hundreds of diagnostic readings provided. FUCK. OK before I speak with this doctor ever again *(SADLY got HIGH BP from his saying “I don’t believe you”) I need to get proof – it should be easy to get copies of the police reports from Lisa Blacker situation and there’s a ton of documentation about Joe Zalabak’s attacks. All I have about Linda McGraw’s proceeding BP readings are time stamps of when I photographed my blood pressure readings. I don’t know why the doctor doesn’t believe this – but again, it’s rather weird and unbelievable to be honest. Hewlett-Packard human resources employees pretexting? Sounds insane I know and love HP so this sounds weird to me – this is NOT something about HP though I think it’s just a few people – that’s all I’ve encountered. Most people at HP are cool and treat me with respect. There’s been less than a handful who haven’t – but then again, any disrespect is too much.
I just wanted a fucking break. FMLA just fucking sucks!
*two friends reached out, sharing their stories of almost identical health problems, I’d advised I’d prepared an “involuntary letter of resignation”, which stated how much I loved HP and always will have fond memories but that the specific environmental toxicities experienced were no longer tolerable. One of these friends is someone who’d survived a workplace stroke and knew of my transient episode, and each pointed out “if you’re sick, you need health insurance, you should do the FMLA”. I wish I knew how much this would have sucked and made me sicker (again – NOTHING HERE is to point fingers, blame or liabilities – I am trying to figure out what the fuck is going on) – the reality is THIS – had I left work without FMLA I’d likely be fine. Even with the weird stress following my manager’s broadcast email about my disability within a few hours of starting FMLA, my blood pressure was better – in fact let me pull up a real picture of my BP before Linda’s call untouched and free of blood-pressure drugs!
This has snowballed into a fucked up pharmalogical prison from fucking hell. I’ve been on house arrest for 3 months and I bet people who really are on house arrest have much more fun than I do falling down and getting hurt from these drugs and using fucking email and phones when I’m not fucking supposed to.
I want my fucking life back and I want to be safe and my family to be safe.
What the fuck was with Linda McGraw? I still believe Hewlett-Packard is a great company and she’s a rotten apple. Please HP, help stop Linda McGraw and Joe Zalabak’s bullying already! PLEASE!