Discovering Some Newer Ways Creates Better Brighter Days!
My friend calls yesterday, knowing I’ve been cooped up for a few weeks, barely leaving home, following a really weird series of weird situations at work. This is all weird for me; the work weird, the not leaving home stuff… VERY weird. I’m a very social person and actually, am being encouraged by medical professionals to disconnect from work and reconnect with friends and family and definitely online creatively ASAP!
Darren needs to learn to start stopping bullshitting himself.
I’ve been blogging privately and oftentimes not blogging at all. I’ve disconnected from everyone for a while and keep doing it more and even recently disconnected more, despite clear understanding of the danger of doing this. So, I’m calling out my failure. I’ve dropped my ball. LOL I said ball. OK moving on as I laugh like Beavis and just thank God that I’m laughing a bit as I’ve missed that a lot.
I don’t like lying. Too many versions to remember and unsure how it helps anyone. Right above I find myself hiding from my own problems, perpetuating my humiliation that I’ve had some ongoing physical and what I’m admittedly realizing, mental health issues as well. WOW. I do plan to publish this publicly. Realizing there’s literally hundreds of privately logged cries to myself on YouTube, blogs, etc. that hiding from myself and from others really makes everything worse.
Where the hell do I begin? Let’s talk about my massage! Then let me start being honest with and about myself more, how y’all usually see me. When I reflect of all the awesomely profound life changes I’ve experienced so far, and being aware they’ve begun with nothing but pure honest reflection, that here, even with my most precious asset, my mind at its most agonized point I’ve ever felt, I need to be fully open with me and everyone. I say everyone, full aware that nobody reads my blog, but – something about hanging it out just makes me feel more accountable.
OK – to that massage.
BTW I have ADD but I guess most everyone who has met me has figured that out
So buddy calls me up and tells me to get a massage. Good idea. Being a man of action, called a favorite place and booked 90 for the next day! WOW – 3 weeks of basically sitting and waiting for HP To get me some responses to discomforting situation, then – eh eh eh eh trying not to focus on that – so massage. Dammit. OK admittedly I’ve not taken adderall today and I’m going to do that or this may not finish LOL
I should start by saying I am taking drugs! WOW OK weird – feeling less embarrassed than I thought I would – good. That means I’m healing. So, I’m right now prescribed 3 drugs which have been widdled down from a weird buffet menu experimentation platter of 7 throughout the past 8 months, primarily medicating my bodies physiological reaction to some psychological stress in the workplace, which I’ve held my breath on and re-danced around with constantly creating workaround solutions for years now and overall my body and brain have been just shutting down. Bad. Real bad. But before I get onto some self exposing pitty trip I should at least mention the drug I do enjoy most of them all… ADDERALL. Fucking-A. Love this drug, hate this drug.
Cheers to adderall for helping corporate America and college kid ADD’ers around the world focus through the mundane!
Admittedly, that drug works fucking wonders for my ADD. I think what freaks me out is that before it would be OK to take just during the work days and chill on the weekend as my wacky weird self and be silly – and recollect on Monday – no worries – my drug journey took some weird paths around the road of 4 blood pressure meds and more – we’ll get to that, I’ll go open komono alfucking ready.
To my love and hate of adderall… I’d taken it before, but never for this duration nor with combining other medications, nor to ‘force’ myself into states for extended periods with each other aspect of health (spiritual, emotional, and physical) failing, without even realizing the ongoing drain to my mind from the environment. The adderall helps me greatly, though its not a cure-all. Sometimes, with different foods, etc. the timing of its effectiveness isn’t always awesome. My recent sleeplessness, or previous times of combining with lots of caffeine (not doing this again) to try and gain additional cycles of work productivity when under duress to produce didn’t help anything. Going forward, at least until I’m completely resynced, following doctor’s orders 100%. So, now that the adderall is finally kicking in (LOL) … the massage!
I arrive a few minutes before my massage, excited to have some sunshine on my skin, even if its just while driving over to the massage place. Everyone was friendly, gave me some water and I wasn’t even seated in the tranquility room before my massouse came to get me and lead me to her room. She left the room for me to undress. I was lying face down naked on table, sneaking in some puffs of my electronic cigarette and peeking on status updates on my mobile, really missing friends and tweeting and know that these relaxation therapies have been way too overdue.
She takes my phone and smoke, puts them on a table and begins massaging me, when my naked ass springs up from the table to grab my phone. Seemed like it wasn’t even milliseconds before I’m unlocking in a panic, worried I missed something that needed an immediate response. Huffing, puffing and then working myself back to the table, I apologize for acting that way. Since she’s known me for years and hasn’t seen this, she recognizes that there’s clearly some things not going on right with Darren. It was nice to see her and talk. She’s also into writing and is a runner, so it’s cool to learn progress with each, and I find it inspiring when seeing people reach goals.
my naked ass springs up from the table to grab my phone
It’s that footsteps notion, where we recognize the different exchanges with other good people and how they and we shape lives from idea shares. Yeah, guess getting philosophical. Just enjoy the discussions and wondered why I’d not been there for months. Realizing that this itself might be a self-defeating behavior; depriving myself of relaxation and therapies. Yep. OK – I’ll get better. Well, I certainly hope so!
I’d not sprung up off her table until ‘time is up’, which normally would be a darkening of the lights while I’d get dressed and she’d meet me with a cup of water and sometimes suggestions on stretches or some positive exchange. Nope – jumped as if there was something about to explode if I’d not been out of there in seconds. This is not how I normally behave. I normally am have. LOL OK no lol this is serious stuff.
OK – so to overshare my psychological conditions – well, you know what – I’ll give you a few – seems they’re growing and I’m thinking that my shrink might be seeing a shrink after working with me for a while. So – lets start with depression and PTSD.
Depression. It sucks. Its self defeating. As a man, I’m ashamed to admit having this. Maybe everyone is. I know most people make fun of this illness and I can totally understand why. Most friends without experiencing deperession or being around someone who truly has this disease will do things that can be totally bad like ‘hey get off your lazy ass’, which really seems like the best thing to do when its the worst. When depressed, symptoms and causes are intermingled, such as being too depressed to clean then a messy home causing more depression, or isolation and not seeing friends or just not enjoying the things that sometimes make us feel good. Depression sucks ass. Grateful to my friend Pam who helped me feel OK about myself for the first time in a long time about my disorder or disease or whatever the fuck this awful ass condition is. I got it from my mother’s side – it’s really funked up and nobody talks about it because we’re way too embarrassed too or because it self-perpetuates. Who knows, but there you go – I have clinical depression. I have been managing this before with exercise and supplements like St. John’s Wort and others (see my differentmedicine.com blog for some more personal experimentation and research). The adderall I take seems to help my depression, or not taking it makes it worse – unsure which. For sure, the clon combos from March really took me into a deep depression, as did some recent work circumstances since my trying to start leave. But yes, I have depression, I’ve had depression, it sucks and it’s definitely the worst I’ve experienced. Possibly not worst ever, but with this less than clear head I’m finding no value to debating levels of dark deep depression as once here, there’s only need to get better. Sick and tired of being sick and tired and doing something.
Cheers to depression – creating a powerfully self-limiting behavior, disabling even the beautifully amazing people!
Wait, that’s not a cheer at all, but you know what – depression is, well I guess in a clearer head I would say that depression is anger turned inward. That was my understanding before. This darkness is weird as is one of my other disorders. Remember, you only get 2 for now …
OK – the weird one and I’ll admit its very weird – PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Sounds like some military thing to me. In fact, my brother is in the military and I don’t want to steal a disease worthy of someone who saw live combat, WTF – really doctor? Yes, PTSD. The things like flying off the table from the massage, to other very weird triggers of extreme panic and anxiety for me
might will not make sense to you. I’ll ellaborate somewhere here about this disorder. I’m just learning to get a grip on even having these and learning to share openly again. So yes, PTSD and its primarily triggered by ABCs; Archaic Business Communications Situations.
I’ll get more into this too, gotta publish this damned post though LOL
Overall, I’m damn well aware Darren might sound a little (lot?) crazy these days. I don’t feel or think the way I did even a week ago and that scares the shit out of me. I’ll share that talking with friends and even a few tweets really makes me feel better. There’s an uphill journey for me but trying to remember to be fake and pretend I don’t have challenges will only allow them to perpetuate.
Cheers to PTSD – Creating ongoing fucked up and confusing pain that nobody around will ever truly understand!
Grateful though to my brother, who did point out that the PTSD medications I was taking were rather extreme, and doctor has been working with me to change these. I’m also working with my shrink on ways to best cope without drugs, which would be awesome. Grateful also to my friend Stephanie, who reached out recently with some warm care and really helped me to feel OK about myself when I’d been feeling so sad and humiliated. Thanks Mac, Chris, Joe, Felton and Derek and Stephanie for persistently calling my isolating ass out of the communications black hole. Thanks super masterminds group for allowing me to share between the trust of friends and the confidence of NDA. Being a leader, its hard to admit when things aren’t going well. I hope y’all hang around to see me improve. I love y’all and today starts my recovery.
Thanks to all my friends and family who have reached out, even ones I’ve not yet returned your calls or communications yet. Maybe I can’t do this alone. I’m used to getting myself out of any challenge and into fresh opportunities constantly, but I’m not afraid to ask for or take help right now. Please feel free to comment and engage. Please don’t be mean, but if you’re mean, I’ll still be Darren and I love me.
And I love women, food, wine, exotic pets and cars. And I love tweeting.
Yes, I’m a little fucked in the head, I really am. Yeah its sad. But, you know sometimes beautiful art and music comes from fucked up minds so instead of focusing on things I can’t control, I’ll take my doctors advice and embrace art some more. Something about needing love from lots of women too I believe ooo nope that was Dr. Love. The actual doctors say creativity and no email but open to alternate therapies LOL
1-800-I’m-Not-Going-Into-Work-For-A-While so I can care for Darren. Darren is a good dude who needs to rebuild. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man… DWILLY!